A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

    1. A woman
    2. A donkey
    3. A shovel
    4. A fish
    5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than 3,000 years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically, and the president smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again. It now says:

"Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman."

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds,
   "Grandma? Is that you?"
   "Yes granddaughter, it's me."
   "It's really, really you, Grandma?", the woman repeats.
   "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman pauses a moment,
   "Grandma, I have just one question for you.
   When did you learn to speak English?"

Oh, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -- Robin Williams Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. --Billy Crystal If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" --Delta Burke According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. --Jay Leno Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. --Phyllis Diller There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? --Jay Leno When the sun comes up, I have morals again. --Elayne Boosler We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. --Tim Allen You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. --Joan Rivers Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. --Tim Allen Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code ... he turned himself in. --Rita Rudner If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. --George Carlin That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. --Bill Cosby I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. --Zsa Zsa Gabor Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. --Lewis Grizzard The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. --Jeff Foxworthy