At age 4 ......................success is not peeing in your pants
At age 12 ................... success is having friends
At age 20 ................... success is 'getting laid'
At age 35 ................... success is making money
At age 50 ................... success is 'getting laid'
At age 70 ................... success is having friends
At age 80 ................... success is not peeing in your pants
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9. Your firstborn is named Dotcom. 8. You turn off your Computer and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap ... and your child in the overhead compartment. 6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 5. You find yourself typing 'com' after every period.com 4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
And the No.1 Sign That You Know It's Time To
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When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
1. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
2. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
3. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
4. A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
5. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
6. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
7. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
8. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
9. How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
If you can stay calm, while all around you are in chaos ...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
* Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader
* Strike while the .........................bug is close
* It's always darkest before................Daylight SavingsTime
* Never underestimate the power of..........termites
* You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
* Don't bite the hand that..................looks dirty
* No news is................................impossible
* A miss is as good as a....................Mr.
* You can't teach an old dog new............math
* If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
* Love all, trust...........................me
* The pen is mightier than the..............pigs
* An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax
* Where there's smoke there's...............pollution
* Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents
* A penny saved is..........................not much
* Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers
* Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed
* Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and....you have to blow your nose
* None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder
* Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
* If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries
* You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box
* When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way
And the favorite...
* Better late than..........................pregnant